See nädal on olnud minu jaoks stressirohkem kui ma tegelikult isegi taluda suudan, kuid samas on see jällegi olnud silmiavav kogemus. Nii nagu eelmises postituses võib olla juba välja tuli, kipun ma arvama, et minu probleemid on kõige suuremad ja ei märka teiste inimeste probleeme. Näiteks olen ma jätnud märkamata, et üks mu sõbranna sai närvivapustuse, sõber käib depressiooniga teraapias ja ma ei ole mõistnud, et paljudes oma hädades ei saa ma süüdistada kedagi teist peale enda. Minu valikud, minu vastutus. Keegi ei pea mind aitama, toetama ja poputama, kuigi ma tahaks ja loodaks, et kusagilt jälle mingi müstiline abi niisama sülle kukuks. Äkki peaks hakkama lotopileteid ostma?

Eile käisime me Idaga oma sõpradel külas ja kui meid suurima külalislahkusega vastu võeti ja esimese asjana öeldi, et me ei tohi Eestisse tagasi kolida, mõtlesin ma korraks jälle, et aga miks need inimesed minuga sõbrad tahavad olla. Ma ei suuda tegelikult mõista, miks üldse mul on nii palju sõpru. Ausalt, ilma naljata. Üks mu sõber ütles, et minu impulsiivsus on osa sellest sarmist, millega ma inimesi ligi tõmban. Ma ei tea, ma ei oska seda isegi kommenteerida, osa minust on sellega nõus, sest nii tööalaselt kui eraelus on see 87% kasuks tulnud, kuid siis on see 13% liigset impulsiivsust, mis kõik pekki keerab.

Aga tegelikult ei tahtnud ma üldse ennast analüüsida. Eile kui mina olin Ida magama pannud ja Klaudia oma kaasa, istusime me küünlavalgel rõdul, katusele tibutas vihma, oli mõnusalt soe augustiõhtu  ja me rääkisime elust ja ilmast ning ma sain aru, et mul on veel arenguruumi “puukluses”. Ma ei taha väga abi paluda, kuid võtan selle alati vastu ja tunnen süümepiinu, et ise hakkama ei saa, aga minu õnneks leidub veel hullemaid isendeid.

Klaudia rääkis mulle oma venna pruudist. See oli minu arvates juba advanced level. Ta tuli Norra tööle, kui palk käes, jättis ta peika maha, hakkas nutma, et tunneb emast ja kodust puudust, nii et poisi vanematel hakkas tast hale ning need talle kojusõidu piletite raha laenasid, sest palk oli muudeks asjadeks kulunud. Mille peale üks 19-aastane tüdruk korraliku kuupalga sirgu tõmbab on iseasi küsimus. Kui tüdruk oli koju jõudnud, saatis ta poisi vanematele sõnumi, et teie poeg on minuga nii halvasti käitunud, et ma ei võlgne teile s***gi ja raha tagasi ei maksa, sest ma olen selle kompensatsiooniks ära teeninud. Okei, ütleme, et poiss käituski halvasti, aga mis mõistus peab olema, et vanematele ebaviisakaid sõnumeid saatma hakata? Kui mu sõbranna tolle tüdrukuga rääkida tahtis, andis tüdruk telefoni oma emale, et too asjad korda ajaks. Wow, ütlen ma. Ja kõige naljakam oli mu meelest see, et Norra jõudes oli ta pea esimese asjana palunud, et keegi ka ta emale töö leiaks. Et too saaks ka kohe Norra tulla ja alustada. Ausalt, kõlab ju naljakalt? Või ei?

Me rääkisime paljudest asjadest, inimsuhetest ja probleemidest ning mingil määral oli see mulle lohutav ning tuge andev, sest ma sain aru, et meil kõigil on mingid oma mured ja probleemid, mis tunduvad kõige suuremad ja valusamad ja et tänu nendele probleemidele olen ma tegelikult inimesena väga palju kasvanud. Arenenud. Mulle tundub, et paremuse poole. Ma ei saa muuta end ja oma impulsiivsust, mis mind igasugu sekeldustesse (mida tagantjärgi on ju vaid naljakas meenutada) viib, kuid ma mõistsin, et ehk ei ole ma lootusetu.

PS: Kui kellelgi on mulle tööd pakkuda, siis ma olen üks suur kõrv. Hetkel aga olen ma tänulik, et mul on võimalus olla sellises kohas, kus rahus ja vaikuses, täielikus idüllis oma stressis akusid laadida.

This week has been more stressful for me than I actually can handle. Loosing a job and the car problems are more than I needed, but somehow I also feel that this has been useful. Yes, I did break down for a moment, but then I realized that I am thinking in a wrong way. I am always thinking that my problems are the biggest and have not noticed what problems my friends have. We all have different kind of problems, which feel like the biggest problems in the world. I also realized that I have noone to blame but myself. It’s all my choices and my mistakes. I have to take the responisibility, not wait for a helping hand. Although I wish this helping hand would somehow just fall into my lap. Perhaps I really should start to buy lottery tickets? Until now I have thought this is the last hope of poor and desperate people, but hey… I am poor and desperate:D

Yesterday when we visited our friends and we were welcomed with the biggest and warmest hello (the first thing to be said was that we are not allowed to move back to Estonia) I again thought why is it that people want to be friends with me. I do not understand it, honestly. A friend of mine said it’s my impulsive behaviour which is part of my charm that attracts people. I don’t even know how to comment that. 87% of me the impulsive behavior has helped me to achieve goals, but then there is this 13% that always screws something up. Anyway…I love my friends. More than I express it.

But this is not what I wanted to talk about. I didn’t want to analyze myself. Yesterday when I had put Ida to sleep and Klaudia her fiance (ps: will we finally have a change to go to a wedding again? I certainly hope so), we talked about life and things, deep things, psychology, problems, past, future, way we behave and why and I realized that I am perhaps not the biggest “parasite” in the world. I feel it’s hard to accept help (which I still always do), but it’s with a very quilty concious and ( I am good in hidding that), but I am NOT taking advantage of people. 

Klaudia told me about her brother’s girlfriend. She came to Norway to work and when she was supposed to go to work she started to cry and wanted to go back home to mom. She had earned a bit money, but this was already spent on something, so the boyfriend’s parents felt sorry for her and lend her the money. When she was safe and sound back in Poland, she sent a rude message to boyfriend’s mother, saying that she owes them nothing because their son has treated her like s***t, they broke up  and it’s to compensate things. Really mature way of handeling a break up. Really. You really have to have a twisted mind to drag parents into the break up. The funniest part is that when my friend called her, the 19 yrs old ex girlfriend asked her mother to talk instead of her. Wow, I say. Embarrising to the max. You let your mom do the talking instead of you? What are you, twelve? 

But wait, I was not right, that this was the funniest part. The funniest part was that the second day she arrived to Norway she asked my friend to find a job for her mother as well. Yep, that’s why she needed a boyfriend in Norway. No love and romance, just a plan how to get the family to Norway. That’s just twisted. If you didn’t know I am a romantic in my heart and love always comes before money for me. I have no tolerance for people who are exploiting feelings of others. 

We talked about so many things and in a way this evening chat was comforting to me. Gave me strenght to carry on. I will take one step at the time, and at the moment just enjoying the possibility to be at this beautiful place where to charge my stressed batteries. I had missed the silence and idyll of the place. And also forgotten HOW thankful I should be. I think I sometimes take things for granted. I don’t want to do that anymore. 

PS: If you know anyone who knows anyone who would have a job to offer I am all ears.