looks

Kuidas ma muutun?//I would have never though the boost my self-esteem might get, but the boost has been big

/ Eveliis / 15 Comments

Tänu Perekooli Kägudele, kes mulle kogu aeg meelde tuletasid, et ma olen nii kole inimeseloom (välimuselt eelkätt), et kui pimedas vastu tuleksin ehmatan lapsed ära ja üldse oleks minust vaid aus kott peas ringi käia, sest jumala eest, kuidas üks 37aastane naine julgeb välja näha “nagu mu vanaema” ja “50+ aastane”, viskas mul kopa ette ja ma otsustasin Medemis nahakliiniku abiga end muutma hakata.  Ma oleks seda varem juba teinud, aga mingil põhjusel oli minul (ja nagu ma aru olen nüüd saanud ka paljudel teistel) eelarvamus, et botuliinisüstid, IPL fotonoorendus ja laugude korrigeerimine maksab väikese varanduse. Tegelikult on see üllatavalt odav. Oleks pidanud eelarvamuse asemel kodulehelt hindasid vaatama. “Kurjusekortsu” ja otsmiku horisontaaljoonte botuliinisüstid maksavad kokku 349 eurot. Kui mõelda kui palju maksab üks kosmeetiku juures käimine, mille tulemus (olgem ausad on vaid korraks värskem olemine), siis ei saa seda just kuigi kalliks pidada.

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Minult on küsitud hästi palju küsimusi. Eelkätt hinna kohta, mis sai juba vastuse (teistest protseduuridest, mis mind ees ootavad ja palju maksavad, räägin siis kui kord nendeni jõuab), aga ka seda kas valus ei ole. Süst on alati ebamugav, aga valus ei ole see protseduur kindlasti mitte. Esimesed tulemused olid näha kolme päeva pärast ja alguses oli äärmiselt imelik tunne, et otsmiku liigutada ei saanud, aga sellega harjub hästi kiiresti ära.  Meil on kodus nüüd inside joke, et ma teeks imestunud nägu, aga ma ei saa. Kurjuse korts on veel näha, aga see hakkab ka vaikselt ära kaduma, nii et varsti ei saa ma ka kurja nägu teha.

Mult on küsitud, et kas ma ei karda, et olen oma organismi lasknud panna midagi, mis sinna ei kuulu, et kas ma ei karda, et sellel võivad olla mingid tagajärjed. Ma ütlen ausalt, et ma usun, et need kogused on mikroskoopilised ja pealegi kui lugeda uudiseid siis üle päeva muutub midagi tervisele kahjulikuks. Ma ei oska karta. Praekartul pidavat ka vähki tekitama.

Üks natuke naljakas küsimus oli, et kas ma ei kartnud nahakliinikusse minna, et seal töötavad kindlasti beibed, kes kõikidesse, kes imekaunid ei ole, suhtuvad üleolekuga. Suhtumine selles nahakliinikus oma klientidesse on käsi südamel nii meeldiv, et juba selle pärast tasub sinna minna. Toredad, sõbralikud ja äärmiselt professionaalsed inimesed. Ma isegi ei tea, kust inimestel selline naljakas eelarvamus tulla võis.

Minult on küsitud ka, et miks ma midagi ei teinud oma siniste silmaaluste ja suu ümbruse vagudega. Teate, sellega on selline veider lugu, et mu välimuses on otseselt häirinud mind vaid mu rasked silmalaud ja hambad, ma ei ole end otseselt vana ja koledana tundnud, päriselt. Kosmeetikud ja juuksurid on mind vajadusel suutnud piisavalt üles tuunida ja argipäevadel…noh argipäevadel ei pannud ma ise tähele kui kole ma olin. Random fakt: ma ei kasuta igapäevaselt juba aastaid jumestus- ja peitekreeme, kuigi nende abil saaksin ma end ka igapäevaselt kõiksugu kägudele välimuselt vastuvõetavamaks muuta. Mulle meeldib argipäeviti suhteliselt loomulik olla, nii säilib ka mingi põnevus kui on vaja mõne ürituse jaoks end üles lüüa. Mis mulle Medemises ka meeldis oli see, et nad küsisid, mis mind ennast kõige rohkem häirib ja ei hakanud midagi juurde soovitama, mida jällegi paljud on eeldanud, et igal pool raha teenimise eesmärgil tehakse. “Me teeme täpselt nii palju kui klient soovib, ” oli nende kindel seisukoht, “kui hiljem klient leiab, et tahab midagi veel korrigeerida, siis alati saab kõike juurde teha, kuid esimese asjana on meie mõte välimus hoida võimalikult loomulik.” Mulle meeldis nende suhtumine. Ja seepärast ei ole ka mu otsmik sama sile kui 15aastasel, vaid see on loomulikult sile. Kortsud on näha, aga mitte vagudena.

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Kuigi nagu ma ütlesin, ei ole mu välimus mind ennast otseselt seganud, ma olen alati olnud enesekindel ja välimus pole kunagi mind milleski takistanud, aga jaa, kui te küsite, kuidas ma ennast nüüd peale esimest protseduuri tunnen, siis muidugi ütlen ma, et ma tunnen end paremini ja veelgi enesekindlamana. Ma ei oleks uskunud, et see nii palju enesehinnangut tõstab, aga tõstab.

Loomulikult on minult ka küsitud, et aga mis siis saab kui mõju ära kaob. Kas ma siis jäängi ennast nüüd süstima. Vaadake enne ja pärast pilte! Need vist räägivad enda eest. Muidugi jään ma edaspidigi neid süste tegema. Aga kas ma sõltuvust ei karda? Nooh, ega kunagi ei saa 100% kindlusega ju öelda, et ma mingi hetk peast lolliks ei lähe, samas ma ise arvan, et ma olen üsna adekvaatse reaalsustajuga inimene. Pealegi kui rääkida moes olevatest suurtest tagumikest ja suurtest huultest, siis need mõlemad on mul looduse poolt piisavalt lopsakad, et end juba loomulikult moodsana tunda.

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After the constant negative comments at me in our infamous forum Perekool, where I was constantly reminded how ugly I looked, that if you were to meet me in the dark, I would scare the children off. Or I should really be walking around with a bag around my head, because honestly, how does a 37-year old woman dare to look like “my grandmother” and “a 50+ years”. I just had enough at one point and decided to make some changes with the help of Medemis Clinic. I would have done it earlier, but for some reason I was (and now I can see a lot of people were) prejudice that botulinum injection, IPL Photo Rejuvenation and Correction of upper eyelids would cost a small fortune. Surprisingly they are fairly cheap. Instead of being prejudice, I should have just check the pricelist on their website. Getting rid of the frown and horizontal forehead lines costs only 349 euros. If you think how much it costs to get your facial done for just one time, whereas the result is as much permanent as feeling fresh for about an hour, I can’t say it is expensive.

I have been asked many questions about this topic. Mostly about the price which I already told (I will tell more about the other procedures and costs once I have received them). But also whether it is painful. Injection is always uncomfortable, but the procedure itself is not painful. I could see the results already in three days and to be fair, it felt really weird not being able to move your forehead, but you get used to it quickly. We have an inside joke now at home, where I am asked to look surprised, but I can’t. You can still see the frown lines, but these have started to disappear too, so soon I won’t be able to pull an angry face either.

I have been asked whether I am not afraid that after having put something into my body that doesn’t belong there, I might suffer from some consequence. I’m being honest here, by believing that the quantities injected into my body are just too small to have any effect in that sense. Besides, every day there is news about something becoming dangerous to your body. I am not afraid, I don’t know how. They say fried potato can cause cancer too.

There was one funny question about the people working in the clinic – wasn’t I afraid that they will all be tuned up babes, who look down to anyone who is not looking picture perfect. Trust me, that clinic is very kind towards its customers and that alone is a reason enough to visit them. Nice, friendly and very professional staff. I don’t even know, why would anyone think like that.

I have been asked why haven’t I done anything with my blue lower eyelids and corners of the mouth. Well, the funny thing is, that the only area in my face, that has ever bothered me, are my upper eyelids and my teeth. I have never really felt old and tired. If needed,  I have always been scrubbed up by professionals and on normal days … well, I didn’t realize, how ugly I was. Here is some useless information for you – I have not been using foundation for years now though, that would probably make me look much more presentable. I like to look fairly natural in my daily life so when there is an occasion, there is something to look forward to. What I also like about Medemis, is that at the very beginning they asked what was bothering myself the most and didn’t start to suggest more procedures. Contrary to yet another prejudice, when people think this is what clinic do to make more money. “We do as much as the client wishes” is their principle “and if the clients wants to do something more later, it is a possibility. But first and foremost we’d like to keep the appearance as natural as possible.” I like their attitude. And this is why my forehead is not as smooth as a 15-year old would have, but it is naturally smooth. You can see the wrinkles, but they are not as deep.

Although I have said before, that my looks have never really bothered me, I have always been self-confident and my appearance has never stopped me from doing something, I must admit, that after having the first procedure done, I do feel better and even more self-confident. I would have never though the boost my self-esteem might get, but the boost has been big.

Of course I have also been asked, what happens if the injections wear off. Do I need to receive the injections for the rest of my life? Look at the before and after pictures, they speak for themselves! Obviously I will keep receiving the injections. Aren’t I afraid to get addicted? You can never say with a 100% confidence that I will never loose my senses, but I’d like to think I am quite adequate and realistic person. If you hint at the big butts and lips that are in fashion at the minute, then I have them quite lush by nature so I am fashionable already.

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Esimest korda elus olen ma endale vastik vaadata// For the first time in my life I cannot stand the look of myself

/ Eveliis / 35 Comments

Ma olen endaga siiani rahul olnud. Oma välimusega siis. Mind ei heiduta kommentaarid, et ma näen vanem välja, sest ma ise tunnen end noorena. Mõnikord mõtlen küll, et holy shit ma olen põhimõtteliselt 40, et see on ju juba täiesti täiskasvanud inimene, aga ma ei tunne end täiskasvanuna. Vananemine on paratamatu ja mul ei ole laias laastus vahet, kas ma näen välja 30+ või 40+ või 50+.

Küll aga pean ma tunnistama, et viimasel ajal on mind väga häirinud kommentaarid mu kehakaalu kohta. Vahet ei ole, kas see tuleb naljaga pooleks Marekilt või mu emalt või suvaliselt kommenteerijalt blogis. See on häirinud mind sellepärast, et mul on kodus peegel ja kuigi ma teen nalja, et riided on vist pesus kokku läinud, siis ma ju ise tean, et tegelikult olen ma lihtsalt ei rohkem ega vähem kui kümme kilo ülekaaluline. Mind häirivad need kommentaarid, sest need on puhas tõde. Ma olen paks! Ma olen alati nagu vist kõik naised rääkinud, et ma olen paks, aga see on ilmselt olnud selline “pean rääkima, sest olen naine”-pullikaka. nüüd ma tunnen, et ma olen paks. Ja see on nii vastik tunne.

Vastik tunne, sest ma tunnen end kehvasti. Asjad ei istu seljas, kõndides tunnen kuidas kõhupekk liigub, ma näen endal isegi seljapekki ja ainus variant näha enam-vähem söödav välja on kasutades trimmivat aluspesu. Viimane on iseenesest okei, sest on riideid, mis kohe ei istu kuidagi seljas ilma trimmiva korsetita, aga ma olen endale ette söönud ja joonud kõhu, mis meenutab rasedakõhtu. Kleit on seljas ja tuul puhub valelt poolt ning kohe joonistubki vats välja. See on õõvastav. Ausalt.

Ma olen enda peale tige, et mul pole piisavalt tahtejõudu olnud, et see kaalutõus kontrolli alla panna. Jube lihtne oli öelda, et aahhh, antidepressandid on süüdi, aga kes mul keelas siis rohkem liikuda ja vähem süüa? Ja ka vähem juua. Mul on isegi veini suhtes vastikustunne, sest see on kindlasti ka üks põhjus, miks mu kaal on tõusnud. Ma liigun küll palju, täna olen ma juba kõndinud täis üle 12000 sammu, aga see pole ju trenn. Isegi kui ma tahan end petta ja öelda, et ohh küll ma nüüd olin tubli ja kõndisin palju. Fakt on, et mulle vaatab peeglist vastu ülekaaluline mutt.

Ma saan aru, et praegu on jube popp endale rinnale taguda ja rõhutada kui äge on paks olla ning leida sellele igasugu vabandusi – sünnitanud naine, depressioonis, soodumusega, blaablaablaaa. Mõni tüsedam naine tõepoolest näeb kena välja ja mõnele mu meelest lausa isegi sobib natuke paksem olla ning samuti ei arva ma, et kõik peaksid olema piitspeenikesed, aga sellest ma ei räägigi. Ma tahan olla normaalkaalus. Istuda nii, et ma ei peaks vastikust tundma oma kõhtu vaadates või häbeneda silmad peast kui näen oma käsivarsi. Ida tegi must eile pilti. Oli see siis vale või just nimelt õige nurk, aga mul oli esimest korda elus ennast vastik vaadata.

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So far I have been satisfied with myself. That is with how I look. I was not bothered with the comments that I appeared older, because I feel young inside. Sometimes I do think that “holy s**t, I am almost 40” and that means being an adult, but I don’t feel like an adult. You cannot help getting older and in general I don’t care if I look 30+ or 40+ or 50+.

But I must admit I have been very annoyed with the recent comments towards my weight. Doesn’t matter, if Marek or my mother makes fun over me or if it is a random comment in my blog. It has bothered me, because I have a mirror at home and though I joke about my clothes shrinking in the wash, I do know that I am just 10 kilos too heavy. These comments get to me, because they represent the truth. I am fat! Like many women, I have also complaint about being fat before, but that was more like the bulls**t you need to tell since you are a woman. Now I feel I am fat. And that feeling is repulsive.

Horrible feeling and I feel terrible. My clothes don’t fit properly, I feel the fat wobbling on my belly when walking, I can see fat on my back and the only way to look decent enough is to wear trimming underwear. The latter as such is acceptable as there are clothes that won’t look good at all without a trimming corset. My problem is that I have eaten and drank so much that now my belly makes me look pregnant. For example, I wear a dress, the wind is blowing from the wrong angle and straight away you can see my pregnant belly. It’s disgusting, honestly.

I am angry with myself for lacking willpower and not getting this weight gain under control. It was so easy to say it is the antidepressants, but who forbid me to exercise more and eat less? And drink less too. I even feel reluctant towards wine, because that is definitely one of the reasons I have put on weight. I do move around a lot, I have done 12000 steps today already, but that is not exercising, is it? Even if I try to trick and praise myself for being good walker. The fact remains – when I look into the mirror I have one overweight old lady staring back at me.

I understand it is really fashionable to show off and find excuses when you have too many kilos on you – you gave birth, you are depressed, you have tendency to become overweight, bla–bla-bla. Some bigger ladies do look good, I  think being a bit overweight actually suits some people and I don’t think that everyone should be too skinny, but I’m not talking about this anyway. I want to be in normal weight. To be able to sit so that I don’t feel repulsed by my belly, or feel embarrassed when I see my arms. Ida took a photo of me yesterday. Whether it was from the wrong or maybe in fact from the right ankle, but for the first time I couldn’t stand the look of myself.

 

 

Aga minu meelest paljud värsked emad ongi liiga rääbakad//“I am a mum, my shirt can have milk stains, my legs can be hairy and my hair can be unwashed for weeks.”

/ Eveliis / 27 Comments

Kui ma olin viimaseid kuid rase, siis ma vaatasin poes ringi jalutavaid äsjasünnitanud naisi nagu Imenaisi. Ma mäletan nii hästi, kuidas ma mõtlesin, et appikene, naine, kuidas sa juba liikuda suudad, sinust on alles 1-5 kuud tagasi terve inimene välja tulnud. Ma kujutasin ette, et peale sünnitust ei ole ma võimeline vähemalt 1-5 kuud liikuma, sest halloo, terve inimene on minust just välja pressitud. Pärast sünnitust olin ma šokeeritud, et tegelikkuses suutsin isegi mina omal jalal wc-sse minna, lapsega jalutada, istuda ja lausa kõndida. Veider tunne oli lihtsalt ja üsna ebamugav, aga mitte otseselt valus, elu halvav nagu ma olin arvanud. Ja mul ei olnud lihtne sünnitus. Ida näitas oma kanget iseloomu juba algusest saati – tervelt kolm päeva üritati teda välja meelitada. Mu sõbrnnad, kes peale mind sünnitama läksid, said ka varem lapsed kätte.

Ma mäletan ka seda kui kerge tunne oli peale sünnitust. Kõht oli ikka suur ja suurim probleem oli riietes, sest rasedariided olid suured ja oma riided ilmselgelt väikesed, aga ma tundsin, kuidas ma ei ole enam 30+ lisakilo, vaid …no tunduvalt vähem, nii et ma sain inimese moodi liikuda. Olgugi et mind iga mingi aja tagant mind rääbakaks ja kaltsakaks nimetatakse ei ole mina end kunagi sellisena tundnud, ilmselt vaid sünnituslaual võisin ma välja näha selline, et ehmataks inimesed päriselt ära. Ja teate, ma arvan, et ka Cambridge´i herstoginna nägi sünnituslaual välja mitte kõige säravam, sest olgem ausad, mitte ükski naine ei mõtle sel hetkel oma välimuse peale. Me kõik näeme välja nagu “kassiokse” nagu uus popp väljend ütleb.

Millised me välja näeme haiglast välja astudes ja kuna me sealt välja astume sõltub juba inimesest ja sünnitusest. On ilmselge, et kõik ei pruugi kohe haiglast välja saada, aga teine võib ilma probleemita minna kartulipõllule ja kolmas poseerib särava ja kaunina fotograafidele. Mina vaatasin Kate Middletoni pilte ja mõtlesin, et milline ilus eeskuju äsjasünnitanutele. Loomulikult on ta sätitud ja korrektselt riides, kas te kujutaks teda teistmoodi ette, aga ta on selline nagu ta on, ei ole isegi kõhtu peitnud, et endast saledamat muljet jätta. Täiesti tavaline  Imekaunis sünnitanud naine. Ilus eeskuju.

Ma ei pea silmas seda, et haiglast välja tulles peaksime me kandma meiki, kaunilt sätitud kiharaid ja uut kleiti. Meie pildid sellest hetkest kui me haiglast välja astume ei levi ka üle maailma. Meile on rohkem lubatud, aga minu meelest muutuvad aga  paljud emad oma välimuse suhtes liiga lohakaks küll peale lapsesaamist. Väljaveninud dressid, suured t-särgi, dressipluusid, pesemata juuksed peapeal krunnis. Ärge öelge, et ei ole nii. On ikka küll. Ma olen neid kordi ja kordi arsti vastuvõtul, poes ja sotsiaalmeedias näinud. Eriti sotsiaalmeedias, kus uhkelt eelpooltoodud komplektis poosetatakse ja kiideldakse, et ma olen ema, mul võibki piimaplekiline pluus seljas olla, jalad karvased ja kolm nädalat pesemata. Võibki. Aga ei pea. Ja siis ei tekita imeilusa Kate´i pildid pahameelt.

Samas muidugi ma natuke saan ka aru nendest, kes kritiseerivad neid ilusaid inimesi. Ma võrdlesin ka, milline nägin välja peale sünnitust mina ja milline Caroline Berg Eriksen. Korraks tundsin end isegi halvasti, aga siis sain aru, et meil on üks oluline erinevus. Mina ei ole tuntud, minu iga liigutust ei kommenteeri sajad tuhanded inimesed, aga vajadusel saab isegi minu üles lüüa, nii et ma võin vähemalt piltidel särada. Me ise valime, millise kuvandi me endast loome. Milliseks me muutume.   Jätame endale lihtsalt meelde, et on kaks eri asja, kas sa oled äsjasünnitanud Cambridge´i hertsoginna või suvaline Mari Maasikas.

When I was last months pregnant, I look at women in the shop, who had just given birth, like superheroes. I can remember clearly thinking “My god woman, how are you able to move already, it was only 1- 5 months ago when a human being was pushed out of you.” I imagined that I will not be able to move for at least 1-5 months after giving birth, because c’mon, I have just pushed a human being out of myself. After the delivery I pleasantly surprised that actually, even I was able to go to the toilet on my own, go on walks with the baby, sit and even walk. It just felt weird and quite uncomfortable, but not painful, paralytically painful as I had thought. And my delivery was not easy. Ida decided to show her character straight from the beginning – it took her three days to arrive to this world. My friends, who went into labor after me, had their babies born before Ida.

I also remember how light it felt after giving birth. My belly was still big and the biggest problem was finding suitable clothes as pregnancy clothes were too big and my clothes too small, but I felt like I am not +30 kilos anymore, but … well a lot less, so I could walk like humans do. Even though I was called scruffy every so often, I have never felt like that. I guess I could look like one on the delivery table and scare people off. And I also think that even the Duchess of Cambridge didn’t look at her best while delivering, because to be fare, no woman is thinking of her appearance on that moment. We all look like trash.

How do we look when we leave the hospital or when do we leave from there the first place, depends on the person and the delivery. It is so obvious that not everyone can leave the hospital immediately, but there are those, who can go and clean the whole house straight away or those, who pose elegantly to the photographers. I looked at Kate Middleton’s photos and thought, what a beautiful role model to fresh mums. Of course she had professional help with her hair and make up and she was wearing designer made dress, but could you imagine her differently? That’s the way she is, she even didn’t try to hide her baby bump to look slimmer. Pretty woman, who had just given birth. A beautiful role model.

I don’t mean that we should all have our hair done and wear make up and new dress when we leave the hospital. The pictures of us leaving the hospital will not spread around the news either. We are allowed much more, but to be honest, in my opinion, too many mums become unconcerned on their look after giving birth. Stretched out jogging bottoms, too big T-shirts, hoodies, greasy hair tied up in a knot. Don’t tell it’s not like that. It is. I have seen these mums time after time at the doctor’s, in the shop, in social media. Especially in social media, when all this aforementioned is proudly shown off with the words “I am a mum, my shirt can have milk stains, my legs can be hairy and my hair can be unwashed for weeks.” Yes, it can be so. But it doesn’t have to. And in that case, seeing pictures of beautiful Kate will not make you feel angry and annoyed.

On the other hand, I can somehow understand those, who criticize these beautiful people. I was also comparing the way I looked after giving birth and how did Caroline Berg Eriksen. For a moment I felt bad, but then I realized, that there is one big difference between us. I am not a celebrity, every move I make is not observed and commented by hundreds of thousand of people. Still, if there is a need, I scrub up pretty good and am able to shine at least on the photos. Only we ourselves choose the image we decide to show of us to everybody else. What we become of. Let’s just remember, that there is a difference between being the Duchess of Cambridge, who just had a baby or an average person, who just delivered.