theraphy

When everything backfires and you’re sitting there like…

/ Eveliis / 3 Comments

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Always hide your emotions behind a joke, always hide…That’s why I started with a joke. As you know I have been to therapy now for a while and I have really felt this helps, that I am getting my emotions and depression under control, or at least I know how to handle them, I have understood myself better, I have felt good, even satisfied with the point where I am right now in my life. I really felt I am starting to get the inner peace.

And then everything backfires. I broke down. I couldn’t handle a problem and cried hysterically for over an hour. Felt sorry for myself, felt sorry for putting my family in situation like that, felt everything that was said was to hurt me. And I fell deeper and deeper back in the hole. The teenager in me screamed to my head “I just want to die”, the grown up in myself said “handle it, snap out of it”. I felt broken and confused. The only thing I could do is cry. And feel sorry for myself.

Today I see that there probably is a solution to this problem that made me break down. I just need someone to help me with that. But I feel all these therapy sessions went down the drain yesterday and we’re back were we started.

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Alati peida oma tegelikult emotsioonid sarkasmi ja huumori taha, alati peida… Eks ma sellepärast naljaga alustasingi. Nagu te teate, olen ma juba mõnda aega psühholoogi juures käinud. Mul on olnud tunne, et ma olen õppinud oma depressiooni tagamaid tundma, ma olen tundnud, et kogu sellest blablaast ja lõngakera harutamisest on abi olnud, ma olen tundnud, et ma olen leidmas mingit (sisemist) rahu, ma olen hakanud end mõistma.

Ja siis toimub murdumine. Kõik lendab vastu taevast. Ma ei suutnud ühe probleemiga toime tulla ning murdusin, nutsin hüsteeriliselt üle tunni aja, haletsesin ennast, olin enda peale vihane, vihkasin ennast, mulle tundus, et kõik, mis öeldi ja tehti oli selleks, et mind lolliks teha, alandada. Ma kujutasin endale asju ette, teismeline minus karjus “ma ei taha enam elada!”, täiskasvanu minus karjus vastu “lõpeta! jäta kohe järele! leia lahendus!”. Ma tundsin end katkisena ja väärtusetuna. Ja ma ei osanud oma emotsioonidega kuidagi hakkama saada. Seepärast ma nutsin. Ja nutsin. Ja nutsin veel.

Täna ma mõtlen, et ilmselt on mu probleemile lahendus, lihtsalt keegi peab mind aitama, sest minu “pleekblond aju” ei oska seda ise lahendada. Ma mõistan, et kogu see lugu ei ole maailma lõpp, kuid samuti tunnen ma, et kogu senine teraapia läks eilsega äravoolutorust alla ja ma olen tagasi alguses.

Instead of sign “Do Not Disturb” I need a sign that says “Already Disturbed. Proceed With Caution”

/ Eveliis / 12 Comments

I am now half-ways with my therapy and the funny thing is that when I first started going to her I was really drowning, but now I have my head above water. The problems have not disappeared, but I manage to see the bigger picture already and it’s getting a bit clearer.

I am not being funny when I say I have found out that I am more “screwed up”  than I thought I am, or well, I think I have known it, but have chosen to run away from this, hide myself behind the mask and not show feelings. Can you blame me with my baggage. Coming from a divorced family, feeling abandoned, having an alcholist in family, seeing a lot of domestic violance (not on me), experiencing death of a boyfriend in an early age, loosing all savings and income at once,  having debths over my head,  being a parent to a three year old without almost any holiday…No wonder I was drowning.

It all has made me vulnerable and the mask has started to have cracks on it. I have never chosen emotions or my true feelings since I was a teenager, when I now think back in time I have had a lot of pain in me, but I have chosen to be strong, always and in every situation. I chose to become an adult too early and skipped being a teenager, but you know from psychology that one cannot skip a step, which basically means emotionally I am on a level of a 15 years old (in a body and intelligent level of a 35years old). I did not have a safe environment to grew up in, no safety net and as the brain is a funny thing that is where I probably got “screwed up” to begin with. “But why is my sister handeling problems in adult way in a more adult way than me?” I asked. “Because she had you, the “protecting parent”, you tried to give her a childhood she deserves, without realizing that you were not a parent but a child in the same situation,” the psycholgist answered.

My teenage brain didn’t deal with all of the things and although I have made fun of psycholgy and the relations to childhood, I here have to tell all the parents of teenagers. Please pay attention to them and their needs!  In cases of violence and alcholism in family put your children first. They will suffer from the experience for the rest of the life and no parent wants that for their children! And they will become like me, vulnerable behind the sarcastic and strong mask, fighting the feelings, or like others who will continue the same pattern. Again I have to say brain is a f***ed up thing. I have managed to break the pattern and have found myself a loving husband, but I am not able to enjoy it, because “this not  the way things are supposed to be”. Intead of opening myself, I argue and fight.

But one thing made me happy. I have 70% of times saying that I am not a good mother, she has made me think differently. I am doing quite well as a mother, and maybe it really is Ida who has helped me to come more out of the shell. I have no problems cuddling and kissing her, showing her how much she means to me. And believe me – cuddling and showing affection is one of the hardest things for me.

In order to “fix” me we are trying to get me to understand the rebelling teenager inside me, I have to find a way to show empathy to her. This is the really hard part for me, because I do understand what my psychologist asks me to do, but I don’t know how. “Write a letter to this 15 years old you,” the psychologist suggested. Uhhh, that will be hard.

If I crack the code how to understand the teenager in me, I will probably manage to solve problems without getting extreamly upset, tolerating more like appropriate for a 35years old. At the moment I solve problems as a 15 years old. And the scary part is that I seem to understand the relations, connections and the truth in that. Going to therapy is a scary thing. It gets you naked and tears the masks off…

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See siin on ilmselt üks kõige isiklikumaid postitusi senini ja mõtlesin tükk aega, kas see panna parooli alla või mitte, ma otsustasin siiski, et (seekord veel) mitte. Enne kui ma edasi kirjutan tahan ma ka kõigile öelda, et see postitus pole kirjutatud selleks, et kedagi süüdistada, ärge otsige ega leidke süüdlast siin.

Ühesõnaga olen ma oma teraapiaga poole peal ja kuigi ma ei ole olnud väga psühholoogi-usku, pean ma tunnistama, et see kipub vist siiski aitama, sest olgugi et probleemid on ikka siin ja ei kao kuhugi kui ma midagi selle jaoks ei tee, suudan ma näha suuremat pilti, seda mis tegelikult loeb ja pilt ei ole enam nii hägune. Veel kuu aega tagasi olin ma uppumas, kuid nüüd ma tunnen nagu oleks keegi mulle õlekõrre ulatanud.

Ma olen alati selle “kõik algab lapsepõlvest” üle nalja visanud, aga tegelikult ei tee ma nalja kui ma nüüd ütlen, et ma olen rohkem “screwed up” kui ma oleksin arvanud. Või noh, mis, eks ma olen seda ikka teadnud, aga olen teadlikult valinud mitte teatud asjadele mõelda. Kui nüüd panna kokku vanemate lahutus, tunne, et keegi ei hooli, perevägivald (mitte minu kallal), alkoholism, hirmud, põgenemised lapepõlves, esimese armastuse traagiline autoõnnetus, edasi juba restorani- ja muud mured, siis on ime, et ma üldse NII normaalne veel olen.

Kõik need üleelamised on mind teinud haavatavaks ja minu maski on tekkinud mõrad. Ma ei ole kunagi oma tundeid näidanud, juba sellest ajast kui ma olin teismeline. Kui ma nüüd tagas mõtlen, siis teismelisena oli minus palju valu ja ilmselt ka vihkamist, kuid ma valisin neid mitte näidata, ma valisin tugev olemise, igas olukorras ja hetkel. Mitte keegi ei pidanud teadma saama, mida ma tegelikult tundsin. Ma otsustasin liiga varakult täiskasvanuks saada ja jätsin vahele tavaliseks teismeliseks olemise, aga te ju teate küll psühholoogiast, et inimene ei saa edasi minna kui kõik etapid pole läbitud, mis laias laastus tähendabki, et minu emotsionaalne “küpsus” on 15-aastase oma (35aastase kehas). Ma ei kasvanud turvalises keskkonnas, mul ei olnud tugivõrku ja siit saigi alguse minu “segamini” olek. “Aga miks mu noorem õde käitub palju täiskasvanulikumalt kui mina?” küsisin ma psühholoogilt. “Sest tal olid sina, “kaistev lapsevanem”, kelle rolli sa endale olid otsustanud võtta, sa tahtsid talle pakkuda ilusat lapsepõlve, saamata aru, et olid ise samamoodi laps, samas situatsioonis.”

Arvake, kas ma tahtsin nutma puhkeda. Mulle tulid mõned seigad lapsepõlvest meelde, nii eredalt meeles nagu need oleks eile olnud. Minu teismelise aju ei tulnud kõige sellega toime ja siin ütlen ma nüüd kõigile teismeliste vanematele, et mõelge oma lapse heaolu kõigest olulisemaks, eriti kui pere on vägivalda ja probleeme, teie laps saab nendest üleelamistest kahjustuse, mida hiljem on vaja psühholoogi juures käimisega ravida. Heal juhul saate te endale hiljem sellise “segaminu” lapse nagu mina, paljud jätkavad sama mustrit oma suhetes, elavad endale valetades, uskudes, et see ongi õige, halvimal juhul saavad neist narkomaanid või…

Minust sai sarkasmi maski taha peituv “tugev inimene”, kes võitleb iga hinna eest tunnetega, ja jällegi pean ma ütlema, et aju on ikka üks müstiline asi. Ma olen leidnud endale armastava abikaasa, kuid selle asemel, et seda nautida, valin ma tihti kaklemise ja tülitsemise, sest “nii on õige” ja mu aju on sellega harjunud.

Te ju ka teate, kuidas ma ikka ja jälle arvan, et olen halb ema, kuid siin olen ma tänulik psühholoogile, kes on mind pannud mõistma, et tegelikult pole see sugugi nii ja ka teraapias hakkasin ma käima just selle pärast, et oma mehele ja lapsele hea naine ja ema olla. On võimalik ka, et Ida on aidanud mul oma koorikust välja ronida. Mul ei ole probleeme tema kallistamise ja musitamisega, aga just kiindumuse ja armastuse näitamisega on mul kõige suuremad probleemid alati olnud.

Selleks, et mind nüüd “töökorda saada” pean ma nüüd püüdma mõista teismelist minu sees. Ma saan sellest ülesandest aru, kuid see tundub mu jaoks olevat nii keeruline. Kuidas mõista kedagi, keda just nagu pole, aga kes teisalt just nagu on minu praegune mina? Kui ma selle koodi lahti murran, siis suure tõenäosusega suudan ma ka adekvaatsemalt asju lahendada, asjadele reageerida, mõista, tegutseda…

Hirmuäratav osa on, et ma mõistan paljusid seoseid praeguse ja varasema vahel, kust ja miks asjad “valesti” on läinud. Psühholoogi juures käimine on tõeliselt hirmus, see kisub su paljaks ja tahab maski eest võtta…