Juustulugu mäletate? Seda kus mu sõbranna seitse kuud vana märja pesulapi moodi haisvat juustu proovis Mareki sünnipäeval, sest “elus peab kõike proovima”. Ma olen muidu selle lööklause poolt ja ega ma suuresti millegi ees risti ette ei löö, ometi on asju, mida ma julgen käsi südamel lubada, et ma kunagi ei proovi. Isegi ka mitte uudishimust.
Pealkirjast saite juba ilmselt aru, kuhu ma oma jutuga tüürin? Päris palju on igal pool juttu menstruatsioonipükstest ja mooncup´idest, mis tampoone ja sidemeid asendavad. Kutsuge mind vanaks või vanamoodsaks, aga mul läheb vaid nendele toodetele mõeldes süda pahaks. Reaalselt. Minu arvates on tampoonid jumala kingitus naistele ja süttigu maailm või heleda leegiga põlema, aga mina keeldun siinkohal mõtlemast kellelegi teisele peale enda.
Ma alustan natuke kaugemalt.
Meil olid Rootsis sugulased, kes meile ikka pakke saatsid – Burdasid, nätsu, talvetosse, kohviube, komme, lumepesuteksasid…Mind loomulikult erutasid kõige rohkem kommid. Üks kord kui vanaonult jälle pakk tuli, oli see üüratu suur. Mina olin elevil. Ja järgmine hetk täiega pettunud, sest see oli täis erinevaid sidemeid. Dafaq, mõtlesin mina! Ema seletas, et ta oli onul palunud neid mulle saata, sest ühel päeval läheb mul neid vaja ja siis ma tänan neid veel. Ma ootasin seda päeva aastaid, sidemed seisid kapis, mina olin neid nähes alati pahur, et no mida pakki. Aga teate, mis? Emad ei ole rumalad. See päev tuligi, kui ma välismaiste sidemete eest tänulik olin, sest need, mida meil apteegis müüdi…ütleme lihtsalt viisakalt, et ei kannatanud kriitikat. Muidugi kui ma lugesin vanad head “Tütarlapsest sirgub naine” raamatust, kuidas “vana aja inimesed” marlit pesid ja seda haaknõeltega pükste külge kinnitasid, siis ilmselt oli edasiminek ikkagi hüppeline.
Menstruatsioonipäevad, olid minu teismeea kõige vihatumad päevad. Nii palju sekeldamist ja ebakindlust. Kuni tekkisid tampoonid. Maailma kõige geniaalsem leiutis. Kõik. Ma siiralt olen hämmingus, et inimesed tahavad muid variante katsetada.
Kõige pealt arvasin ma, et minu taluvuspiir läks seal, kus ma lugesin “menstruatsioonipükstest”. Tegu siis justkui tavaliste alukatega, aga imavad verd. Päeva lõpuks võtad jalast, pesed puhtaks ja paned kuivama. Hommikul jälle uuesti jalga. Ma ei liialda kui ma ütlen, et mul hakkab praegu ka paljast mõttest, et peaksin vabatahtlikult õhtuti oma veriseid aluspükse pesema. Kui ma ei eksi siis ma olen lugenud ka mingist merikäsnast, mis toimub nagu tampoon, aga mida tuleb samuti pesta. Öäk! Milleks? Aastal 2018 kui on olemas kõik mugavused? Keegi vist isegi korduvkasutas väiksema ökoloogilise jalajälje nimel wc-paberit? (See on isegi rõvedam kui menstruatsioonipüksid.)
Selgus, et “menstruatsioonipüksid” ei ole mu taluvuspiir. Mooncup mõttena on mu jaoks juba nii piisavalt rõve, et ma ei hakka isegi siin rääkima, miks. Pole nagu sünnis. Ah, what the hell… Lükkad veiniklaasi enda sisemusse, käid päev läbi klaas “püksis” ja siis kallad kogutud sisu (mis reklaamis kindlasti oleks sinist värvi) kraanikaussi? Sinna, kus oma hambaid pesed? Öäk! Loomulikult olen ma mooncupide teemadel üsna harimatu, sest ei osanud mina teada, et neid ei pesta, vaid keedetakse lausa. Kus? Samas potis, kus hiljem perele suppi keedad? Või on kapis eraldi mooncup´i pott? “Ärge seda potti võtke, see on mu menstruatsioonivere keetmiseks!” Ma võin küll loodusest hoolida, aga pagan…mitte miski ei pane mulle endale veiniklaasi “püksi” toppima ja pärast seda supipotis läbi keetma!
Selgitage mulle palun, miks inimesed sellised alternatiivid valivad? Ilma naljata. Ma tahaks aru saada. Looduse aspekti ja öko-schmöko jätame kõrvale.
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The other day, a friend of mine had a taste of a seven-month-old cheese that stunk like an aged wash cloth at Marek’s birthday because “you’ve got to try everything in life”. I am all for this slogan and I don’t turn my nose up to anything usually. Yet there are things that I can promise, hand on heart, I will never try. Even out of curiosity.
You can probably tell from the title where I am going with this. I have read a lot recently about period panties and Mooncups that are supposed to replace tampons and sanitary pads. You can call me old or old-fashioned but I feel sick merely thinking about these products. Honestly! I see tampons as god’s gift to womankind and even hell might freeze over but this is the line I draw in refusing to consider anyone else’s well-being before my own.
I’ll start a bit further back.
During the Soviet times, when I was a kid, we had family in Sweden who often sent us parcels. They contained Burda magazines, chewing gum, winter trainers, coffee beans, candy, snow wash jeans… I was obviously most excited about the candy. One time we got another parcel from my uncle and it was huge. I was so excited. And the very next moment I was totally disappointed because it was full of different sanitary pads. I thought, dafaq! My mom then explained that she had asked the uncle to send us these, because one day I am going to need them and then I will be grateful. For years I kept waiting for the day, the pads stationed in the cupboard and every time I saw them, I thought once again what a stupid parcel it had been. But you know what? Moms are not stupid. The day came when I felt grateful for the foreign sanitary pads because the ones sold in our pharmacy were… let’s put it kindly, were not worth mentioning. Of course, compared to what I read about the olden times in the legendary book A Girl Becomes A Woman, when women washed muslin that was attached to their underwear with pins, the pharmacy goods were quite a major improvement.
The days of my period were the most hated days of my teenage years. So much hassle and so much insecurity. Until tampons came about. The most ingenious invention in the world. Word. I am honestly amazed that people want to try anything else.
I thought that reading about period panties was where my limit was. Menstrual underwear is panties that seem ordinary but absorb blood. At the end of the day you take them off, wash them and put them out to try. In the morning you pull them on again. I am not exaggerating when I say that I feel sick just merely thinking about having to wash bloody underwear at night. If I’m not mistaken, I think I’ve also read about some natural sponge that works like a tampon but you have to wash it. Eww! Why? In 2018 when we have all the comforts of modern life! Someone even re-used toilet paper in the name of reducing their ecological footprint, I think? (That’s even worse than period panties!)
It turned out that period panties are not my limit. Mooncup as a concept is disgusting enough for me that I don’t even need to tell you why. It wouldn’t be appropriate. Oh, what the hell!? So you push a wine glass up inside you, walk around all day with that cup in your pants and then pour all what’s inside (which would be lovely blue colour in a commercial) down the sink? The same one you use for brushing your teeth? Ewww! Of course, I am quite uneducated when it comes to menstrual cups because it turns out you don’t just wash them but boil them! Where? In the same pan you use for making soup for your family later? Or is there a special Mooncup pan in your cupboard? “Oh, don’t use that one, that’s for boiling my menstrual blood!” I may care about the environment but damn… nothing will make me want to push a wine glass inside me and then boil it later in my kitchen pan!
Please explain me why do people choose such alternatives? I’m not joking. I really want to understand. Let’s leave nature and eco stuff aside…